I woke up at 4 after a long morning of work. I had fun working. I also had fun hanging out. Especially since it’s been a while. A good surprise, really.
But I’m really tired of it all. I don’t want to say I can’t wait until I’m gone, because I do like it here and getting to know the people I meet/have met. Today was just another day as usual. Like the usual I was used to a few months ago. Not anymore. I couldn’t get my mind off of certain person all day, and I realized I won’t be able to for a while. I felt weak all day and I don’t know if it was because of that. I guess I’ll do the same this year, as I did last year. That I’m going to drop, or just let go, the everything that’s behind my memories.
It was nice seeing old friends. No kidding though! Seeing very old friends this past week and a half.
Everything is still the same between us though, as last time, I mean.
I know something, but this one person doesn’t. Last time we were really with each other I was still trying. It was all of the time, even that last time, I tried so hard to be the right guy for her, but I realized I’m not. I know there’s nothing wrong with her or myself, but I just realized. Even if she wants to make it work I know I can’t and that it just won’t. It’s sad. I’m sad about it, because this time around there are no open ends. No someday.
I also missed my night-time bike ride today, because my friends came over. I was a little bummed. I use that biking time to really think to myself. It’s relaxing, and I also just want to see how far I can get away from home. It’s a fun game, and there’s no sort of meaningful reason even though it’s a bit weird. I needed to fill that void a bit. So that’s why I need to write something. This. I believe I’ll get over whatever I’m worried about with time. People like her made me so much stronger, but I feel terrible that I’m going to say good-bye, again. This time to everybody else also. I understand people need to shake their leaves and branches. Everybody knows what this is like to feel these feelings, to feel defeated. But that’s not why I’m deciding to do so. I don’t even think I can actually mention my farewell to her. Maybe I just won’t. I’m beginning to think there’s no way to depict this feeling the way I want to.
When I was little my parents told me to look really high up into a tree one time. They asked me what I saw. I could only remember staring at the sun through the flurry of branches. I think they’re trying to show me a bird, but I don’t need to find that right now. Or to be that brave yet. I’m willing to just take a road that takes a little bit longer and dream of fighting crime. You know, be nerdy.
I’ll rhyme random stuff to you. Joke to you. Entertain you and we can quest for new places to eat. I’ll try and make your day. You make mine with such ease.
We can fly kites, color pictures, and walk on the beach. Be cliche’. Let’s be one of the only people who actually use the bench under that obscure tree, or stare at the sky and at the moon. I mean to really take our time to gaze at the sky and waste precious time. Why doesn’t anybody else do that?
Let’s shut up and savor each other’s presence.
I could lose my mind. I’d love nothing with you. All that nothing!