But it looked like it was starting to be. I couldn’t think, and my focus wasn’t on point. I woke up this morning about six different times and I was late to class. I erased and rewrote homework solutions tons of times. I misspelled the word “repeat” and my hands seemed to have a mind of their own. I was grumpy.
Maybe I’m just a little brain tired from studying for my test this Thursday, or exhausted from fixing my car. Or from something else. I guess I was looking for more out of my weekend than I had actually ran through. I won’t lie that’s probably why. I believe it is. Any chance I tell myself to commit to a decision I later find that I fail with this person. It is a “someone” that’s been bothering me. I tried almost a year ago. I attempted and was discouraged another time. And I even tried to put closure on it all when I didn’t feel (anymore) confident. Tell someone one thing, show them another. It’s what has been happening to me.
All I know is I’m reaching the last stretch of my schooling at my community college. After this school year I’m going to a different school and an old home of mine. I’m going to make a new home and hopefully it’ll progress easy. I want to set out for a brand new Fortress of Solitude, and that’s what I really want. And soon I’ll have to say my good-byes.
My oldest brother came to visit today also. I wasn’t happy to see him and vice versa. We just aren’t close anymore. Maybe some distance will close the gap.. My nephew is growing up, and all of it still shocks me a whole lot. My parents are really happy for my brother.
I finished some school work, talked to all of my brothers, and helped my parents cook. It was truly a busy day. I love it all, except for the few details in between. I don’t want to make it seem I’m distancing myself from anyone because I don’t want that. I don’t want to start another conversation with anybody and let them hope we’ll talk again later, because we might not. I don’t even want to rekindle any friendships, because I know that now just isn’t the time. I don’t want to say I stopped trying with some people, but maybe I have. I’m sorry to disappoint..
I wrote letters to a couple ‘o people when welcoming the New Year. I knew my life was going to, good or bad, change (I hate sounding cliche’). Ironic that every person I wrote to didn’t have time for me to even deliver the letter. So I didn’t get to offer a proper farewell to anyone. There are plenty of ways to send letters but I really wanted to deliver to them personally, and I couldn’t get that. I’m okay with it now.. I understand that people do live their lives and that I won’t always be a part of it. It’s hard, but I know I’ve been through some things in the past few years.
— The best part of my day today was on my way back home after class. In my car and on the radio was playing Maps by The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I haven’t heard that song in 6-7 years..? (I’m not sure why not, maybe I just forgot).
I remember when living in San Diego I was a real lucky person who lived in the city, was in middle school and didn’t have to worry about unimportant schoolwork, and was spoiled enough to have my parents pay for everything for me. When I was in San Diego and still in middle school, on weekends I’d go to various shows featuring all of our favorite bands.. (all of them). There was one show I had to miss because of a birthday I had to attend. And that show featured The Yeah Yeah Yeahs!
I sat in the car driving home today and I was wanting to pull over so badly. I kept driving and could not stop smiling. I forgot the last time I was so swayed by something that went running through my head..
After thinking about it for a while. I do feel lonely. There’s also some content and jealousy both at the same time stirring up inside of me recently. I’ve lived, learned, and loved while in my hometown. I’ll remember later on that I am saying good-bye for a reason..
“The Marvel Universe has corrupted everything you stand for all in the name of high drama. Think about it Kal-El. Your job is to be an inspiration for people, someone they can look up to, someone they can aspire to be like; in steadfastness, in character, in ideals. And what did Marvel offer? They said don’t worry; you don’t have to aspire to anyone in our books. You just have to relate to them. And now we have an entire culture that thinks that who they are is just fine and how dare anyone suggest they can improve themselves? Why aspire to be Superman when it’s so much easier to relate to Spider-Man? No one wants to look up to you anymore, Superman. They don’t want to strain their necks. Instead they look straight ahead at the compromised heroes in front of them and say “That’ll do just fine”.”—
Lex Luthor to Superman in “After Hours”
something interesting from a very very silly series of videos.