“I can’t think of any greater happiness than to be with you all the time, without interruption, endlessly, even though I feel that here in this world there’s no undisturbed place for our love, neither in the village nor anywhere else; and I dream of a grave, deep and narrow, where we could clasp each other in our arms as with clamps, and I would hide my face in you and you would hide your face in me, and nobody would ever see us any more.”—Franz Kafka (via moiststar)
It doesn’t make it any easier knowing that. It’s not that I gave up the first time because I wanted to forget. It was because it alwaysseemed you never wanted to talk to me. Each time I tried, but not every time, the more I would close myself off from you. I’m really sorry for everything. When we’re not talking I miss you and I feel I’m missing something. When we’re back in contact, I feel I have no impact on your life. I do feel like I’m belittled in the midst of all that’s going on around you. I had to find some relief somewhere, and I thought it was in “giving up” for a while. I’m so stupid. I don’t want it to seem I don’t want to talk to you. I’ll try my best to prove it, if that’s what it takes. I’m not keeping it a secret, I’m moving things around today so that I can make lots of time for you. I want that time. I feel too desperate. I feel pathetic most times. But I’m trying and it’s killing me again. Even if we sit in silence, I’m happy to know you’re on the other side. I would even bet that I’m crazy for you, and the craziest thing is we haven’t even reached a point anywhere past general intimacy. I would let you know everything you’d ask me, if you’d ask me or just give me a few more chances to tell you. I almost told you couple of times, but I never got the chance and I backed off and had a second-thought for what I was doing. What I had to learn with my last girlfriend was that when she left and time had passed, she didn’t love me anymore. I felt so helpless and I wanted to do something. I couldn’t and I had to let it happen. If that’s the case.. I don’t know. I’ll leave you alone? Just tell me, though. I understand you’re in a condition right now. So it doesn’t even have to be now or even soon if you tell me to go. It’s not easy for me to keep myself in the middle. I can’t find a medium. I either think about you a lot (or all of the time) or I need to learn to grow away from you (again). I really meant the best for the situation and I’m always scared. It’s embarrassing to admit I’m scared about stuff like this. It’s not what I meant to leave anybody torn. I’m sorry for that. I’m so lost. I can’t keep up with all this indirect messaging. However indirect this is, I’m letting you know I’d really love to see you tonight. But that’s not happening. I fear it won’t ever happen again. I don’t want to force an explanation out of you about why. The stars are going to be out tonight, and right now it’s as sunny and clear as ever. I’m at a brand new low and I’m not used to it.