I was talking to a perfect stranger today at school, and we got to talking about ourselves. I mean “ourselves”. We talked about past friendships, school, flings, and more about school. It was weird and refreshing at the same time. And a good time. I realized, I can’t remember the last time I was asked how I was doing. Not from another stranger, but from the few people outside my family who I care about. She told me that, whether I want to hear it or not, those people probably don’t care about me. “If you show them you love them, and if they care for you they would’ve/should let you know, otherwise let them go.” That’s what she said. The perfect stranger and I are friends now. I liked today
—Now, I feel like shit again. All it takes is something so small to piss you off and not even that just to get on your bad side. I always have to watch myself so that I don’t cross that very faded line. This is why we stopped talking in the first place. This is why we aren’t as good of friends we were going to be.
A long time ago I mentioned another person that you were having complications with. I told you that I sympathized with that person, because if it were me in his position it would be a big deal as well. Although I wouldn’t have overreacted like him. It’s ironic it actually happened, that we stopped hanging out. I told you if we stopped being friends that it would make such a big impact on my life, and since you were the only person I was hanging out with, that also factored a little into why. I’ll never forget anything we had done or created together, because it was an “us” thing. And it also was quite simply some of the most fun I’ve had..
And for you, truthfully all of it couldn’t have been as bad as I had it. I don’t care if I’m missing the few and in between details of your situation. I won’t go into detail for myself either, because I was never asked to and there was no one who would listen to me anyway. You had other friends to vent to or otherwise take your mind off it all, even if it was for a little while, whether you still were bothered by the situation at all or not, and that already is a huge difference between you and me (as minor as that may be to you). I’ve always known I was a loser, but I’ve never down to the bone felt like one until that day. It was the worst few months for me. I’ve never felt so unimportant.
I looked forward to Summer that year, but it all changed after a misunderstanding. A misunderstanding, call it whatever you want. I wanted more than just messages to remedy the situation, I wanted personal confrontation. Not a personal argument, a conversation, a compromise. Despite my Summer that year being ruined, I still looked forward to seeing you again. By then my feelings have really taken a new form. All I remember when that day came is not having the topic brought up until just before leaving that day. I didn’t see you the same. I didn’t care about you the same. I didn’t think of you the same.
After the talk and fun I had today, all of this, made it easier for me to commit to this ultimatum. I’m tired of feeling unhelpful to the outcome of your day. All of this shouldn’t give anyone a reason to feel depressed, but me. But I probably don’t know enough of anything to make a call like that. I feel like shit right now and I can’t think straight. I don’t want to.
I’m saying good-bye now, whether you know it or not through this obscure message. I tried real hard to make things good between us, but like my parents always told me with my brothers, “If you’re not showing it or telling them in any way, how would they know?” I wish I could have said a lot more, but I won’t. I don’t care to listen to how insignificant I am to “the”/”your” problems of the year anymore. Go ahead and say this is not a big deal for me, because you’d be wrong and disregarding everything I was as a friend, your friend. Really go ahead and group me with a bunch of other people as ‘people who don’t give a damn or care’, which is quite possibly one of the most hurtful things for me to witness being said. I do care, and I don’t know how to prove it. You make me feel sorry I even became your friend. Even as I’m typing right now, my heart is beating with nervousness, fear, anxiety, I don’t know. It’s just time to blow all my feelings over until it’s over. I wouldn’t know anyway.